Fathers

So today is Father's Day. I've had some pretty strong emotions today. During the sermon, Pastor Bob was talking about Godly Father's and their roles in the family. Men are to teach their children about God, take them to church, protect their family, provide... but as pastor is talking, I'm thinking of my own dad. My dad is a very different man than he was when I was little. I don't remember ever sitting next to my dad in church. Even as an adult, I can count on one hand the number of times I've sat beside him on Sunday morning. Pastor was saying one sentence that was never uttered in his house: "Are we going to church today?" This sentence was a weekly thing in my house. Until I could drive, my church attendance was relied on my aunts and grandparents.

I know some wonderful Godly father's. They are wonderful men of God, full of honesty, integrity, love, caring.. and the list continues. For some it's hard to comprehend that God loves you more than your earthly father, because their earthly fathers are so amazing. For me, I don't like being cynical or not believing what God tells me because of the let-down I've experienced when it came to my dad. Even my stepdad, who is a good father, who has taken care of us since he came into the picture, is not a Godly father. Learning about God from my dads was not an option. It was something I've learned on my own and through spiritual people as I've grown older.

As we're praying for the fathers of our church, the tears began to fall. I've never felt the love and embrace from my earthly father. I've never felt the wholeness of attending church as a family and sitting next to my dad in the pew. It is what it is. As I've said before, I've come to realize that I'm finding myself... and on this journey I'm learning many things about my family and realizing even more. As God wraps His arms around me, I find myself praying that I can find this wonderful Godly man, who will someday be a wonderful father and spiritual leader of our house, teaching our children about the Heavenly Father who loves them so much that He died for us. I know that God has this man out there for me.

My prayer for all dads today is that you are able to be holy, obedient, and trustworthy to the family that God has given you. Be that Godly man. I pray that God gives you the strength and courage to lay down your life for your family, make the sacrifices necessary to be everything that you can be, according to God's calling for your life.

Lessons in Life

Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

When in doubt, just take the next small step.

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree

Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

Life is too short for long pity parties.

When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

Get outside everyday. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it.

Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

I'm just not

For the last week or so I've been pondering my trip to Nebraska. As some of you know, it was an interesting trip for me. I'm not at the same place I was 8 months ago when I moved to Kansas City. I've grown so much as a person, spiritually, emotionally, etc., so I'm not in the same world that they are. I found this song that pretty much sums it up.

Brandon Heath – I’m Not Who I Was
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so
I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was

You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was
When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello
Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

Love this thing...

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In Memory...

This blog is in memory of Chelsie Jensen. I didn't know Chelsie, but she was a very good friend of my friend Meg. At the age of 23, Chelsie was diagnosed with leukemia. Chelsie had been undergoing chemo treatments and was on the list for a bone marrow procedure to increase her chances of survival. Chelsie passed away on Sunday morning, at the age of 23. In the last few weeks Meg and I have had some talks about God and His plan for us.

Meg's fear is that Chelsie didn't believe in God. In the last day, I've been reminded that we don't know what happens in the final moments. Psalm 116:15 says, "Precious in the sight of the Lord, is the death of his saints." As I was looking up that verse and pondering, I mistyped the verse and God led me to Psalm 116:5 which states "The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion." WOW! I was in awe. Yes, it was a simple matter of me not typing a number. But at the same time, God gave me a verse to share with Meg. In the last week, I have been sharing with Meg some verses about God's plan and how much He loves us. "The Lord is gracious and righteous..." Even though it might not seem like He's being gracious at the time. Yeah, we're angry at Him. Yeah, we question His plan when He takes people away from us so young. We can tell Him that. God isn't scared when we yell at Him.

My only answer right now, is God needed her. God needed Chelsie for His plan. Maybe His plan is to bring Meg and Chelsie's other friends and family closer to Him. We don't know. It's possible to believe, but my prayer is that they ask Him into their hearts as their Savior. He is so mighty and He can make things happen beyond our comprehension. His compassion can out last that of any human. Even when people are close, they seem so far away, but not God. He is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS there.

With that ~ I'm praying for Chelsie's family and friends, that they have strength and can lean on God in this difficult time. Chelsie ~ You will be missed by those who knew and loved you.

Moms

Being since it's Mother's Day, I thought I'd blog about moms. My mom is absolutely amazing. Having the four kids that she ended up with, I'm sure was a definite challenge for her. :) My mom and I have always had a pretty good relationship. Like any relationship, there have been times in my life when our relationship has been strained. Throughout my life, other than my real mom, I've had a lot of "moms." When I was in school and my mom couldn't come to activities, there would always be someone else's mom willing to cheer me on. Then there's my stepmom... she's a wonderful mother I am sure. I've never given her the title of being my mom because, well, she isn't.

Philemon 1:7 says, "Your love has given me great joy and encouragement..." My mom has always had the ability to make me laugh. Humor is one thing I definitely acquired from her. She's been encouraging in a motherly way, even when she thought I was making a wrong decision. It makes me happy to know that this is the mom that God chose for me. I wouldn't want it any other way. With all the stuff she's dealt with throughout her life, I'm glad it's her that is continually teaching me lessons, making me laugh hysterically, and enjoying life with.

It takes a special woman to be a mom... So I pray that this day is as special as each of you are. Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's. I love you all. :)

Be still....

It's 1:30 am... my prayer journal is beside me... and I'm pondering how to get all my thoughts out without seeming too rambly.

God's working some major things in my life right now. Tugging some major heart strings. However, I hate when I try to analyze what God is doing. My prayer life has been a constant thing lately. In the car... in some pretty random places... I'll find myelf just talking to Him. For the past two nights, I've been having major prayer time before bed... and have had this peace come over me about certain confusions in my life.

Psalm 46:10 says "Be still, and know that I am God..." This morning I woke up, and my brain was still... I had a peace that I felt like God was saying "Just wait... be patient... let Me do My thing..." Long story short - without too many details... A friend of mine called to share some news with me and in the midst of the conversations, statements were made that told me that God truly was working. Confirmations of my thoughts were made... I know He's always working, but how amazing to just sit... and watch His plan unfold...

Being still is not something that's in my vocabulary. I'm always on the go, doing something... So for me to find the patience in God to trust Him and just sit, watch, and wait is something quite amazing. A friend of mine just had me read Ruth 3:18 as I'm typing this. "Then Naomi said, 'Wait, my daughter, until you find out what happens..."

For those of you who know the story as a whole... thank you for letting me share it. For those of you who don't... details are not forthcoming until God's work is done. :) *Sigh...* And now it's 2:15... with nothing but my rambliness accomplished.

My prayer for you is this: That you, too, can Be still, and know that He is God. Let Him work. **Sits back** Just enjoy the journey. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn, but God's teaching me that it's totally worth it, in so many ways.

Until next time...

This one's for GG

I thank God for bringing you into my life everyday. We have shared so many moments... good and tearful. :) I love you!


More Than You'll Ever Know by Watermark

Something brought you to my mind today
I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh
And yet I feel like it's okay to cry with you
Something about just being with you
When I leave I feel like I've been near God
And that's the way it ought to be...

CHORUS:
'Cause you've been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies
'Cause you've spoken the Truth over my life
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me
Oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah
More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah

You had faith, when I had none
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing
And all the while I'm hoping that I'll
Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me
And that's the way it ought to be...

You have carried me
You have taken upon a burden that wasn't your own
And may the blessing return to you
A hundredfold, oh yeah...
A hundredfold, oh yeah...

What have you learned today?

When I was in high school, I worked at a fitness center that was attached to a hospital. When I worked after school, the lady who worked cardiac rehab would always ask me "So what did you learn today?"

Today I learned that there are grown men who look WONDERFUL in a Boy Scout uniform. On Tuesday I started my new job at the Boy Scouts of America. The people are awesome, the training is going well. I am the Field Service Secretary. Basically all the guys that are "in the field" recruiting volunteers, scouts, etc., I'm the one that "takes care of them" by helping their volunteers, setting appointments, processing their training sessions and badges applications.

2007 is starting ok... learning new things everyday. =)

Presence (not to be confused with presents)

In the midst of this Christmas season, I'm very much reminded of God's presence in my life. While I'm worried about the presents I need to buy, I realize that He's there... taking care of me. I am totally happy that I moved to Kansas, not regretting it for one second. I have been very blessed to start working in children's ministry. On Sunday, as I watched the kids at our church do their Christmas program... the program we have been working so hard on for the past umpteen weeks.... it warmed my heart to see them peforming what they had worked so hard on.

God is showing me his tests and He continually blesses me everyday. I'm beginning to sound redundant, but I have never felt His presence more than I do right now. In the last three weeks, I have gotten a job, lost a job, and gotten two more jobs... Starting Monday I will be doing data entry until the end of the year. On January 2nd, I begin my new job at the Boy Scouts Heart of America Council in KC. This means a further drive, more traffic, but more money, AND benefits as soon as I join their payroll (not the staffing place...)

This Christmas season, remember what's important. Remember the real reason of this season and how He has blessed YOU this year.

Merry CHRISTmas!!

Prayer of the day

Heavenly Father,
You know my situation, You know my heart. I'm running on empty in all ways possible. You're in charge. You have a plan. Today, I am begging (and kind of whining) that you help me get over this hump, out of the slump, and hold me in your loving arms. Pray that things will get taken care of like they need to be and I will return to my normal self.

In your gracious name,
Amen


I've noticed something about myself in the last two months, since moving to Kansas... I am a lot more emotional here! I know it's the Holy Spirit working -- totally a good thing. Jeremiah 29:11 and James 1 have helped me considerably during these trials. The Lord has blessed me in ways beyond words. Praying things will look up soon. Love you guys.

Where to begin...

I'm not sure what emotion I'm feeling right now. The need to cry is gone. Doubt and worry take over. Details are not forthcoming right now. Just knowing that God has something better for me is good. He will take care of me, I know it. So many things swirling in my mind... tomorrow is a new day.

First Day

I love my new job!! :) Today was the first day of my job as sales support. Basically I'm their administrative assistant. This week will be filled with filing, familiarizing myself with the companies we work with and the processes of orders. Starting next week I will be training on entering orders into the new system. The people are nice and so funny!! My day began with a meeting with the sales department - teddie and scott. Scott says "we are kind of sarcastic here." and my response was "I am never...." and teddie says "for some reason I don't belive her" and it was all downhill from there. I'll keep you posted on happenings, just wanted to share how my day went. :)

Filled with joy (and emotion)

I have reread my previous post and realized how ungrateful I sounded. I didn't mean to sound that way at all because I am truly blessed at the work God is doing! I think this is the most I've ever shared about my life in a blog.

As many of you know, I was in a car accident a little over a week ago. That same day I had to replace a tire with money I don't have (oh the joys of being unemployed). Right before I got this tire, in the mail I received a birthday check. The amount was just a few dollars under the amount of the new tire.

As discouraged as I was getting, ever since moving I have felt much peace and contentment concerning this move and jobs. I have never had any doubt that God would take care of me. And He is!!!

On Thursday I went to yet another staffing agency and took some tests. On the way home I was pondering how I could keep scoring so well on these tests, but not have a job. Long story short: I had an interview Friday and three hours later the staffing agency called me and said they wanted me to start on the 27th. SO YAAAAAY! After this, another staffing place called and offered me a temp assignment on Tuesday and Wednesday before Thanksgiving.

Yesterday to celebrate me and my friend Tricia's birthdays, we went down to Branson with a few friends. We went to the imax theatre and watched a move about a fighter pilot. As the show is ending, it's showing pictures of this guy's grandfather (who was also a fighter pilot) and then listed awards, medals, and what wars he's fought in. My eyes trailed to the bottom of the screen and read the words "Operation Iraqi Freedom." Tears immediately filled my eyes. I thought about the keyring sitting on my dresser that says the same words. This momento if you will, was given to me by my aunt who is in the Army. She served a little over a month in Iraq... yeah, only a month, not fighting mind you. What she did was nothing compared to what these other soldiers are going through, but nonetheless... she was there. Constantly describing the sounds of bombs in emails... sending pictures practically every day...

Then today I had what was probably the most emotional worship time during church. I was standing there singing, "take joy my king in what you hear; may it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear..." I don't know what it was, but the tears began to fall. After two more songs of tearful singing (I don't even remember what songs they were), Pastor began his sermon. Telling the story of a guy he had known who had passed away... I didn't know this person, but his story once again brought tears to my eyes. For Thanksgiving service, each family took a Christmas ornament and wrote on it what they were happy for. As me and two friends sat there "decorating" our ornament with thanks, I felt the tears again. What on earth?! By the end of service I was NOT thankful that my mascara isn't water proof. :)

Anyway, I wanted to share my good news and burst with joy and excitement!!

It's the truth

Wow...

On this day 26 years ago, yours truly entered the world. Today was kind of hard for me. Not because of the number itself (however, seeing the range of 26-30 on various things is odd). Being unemployed and my world seemingly being a whirlwind... Today was very hard to not be discouraged. I know it's all in God's time and everything is in His hands. Getting the birthday greetings and calls - it's always good to know that the people God has placed in your life love you, despite what you think about yourself.

I'm not bitter. I'm not depressed. Merely stating how my day was. :) I am very excited for the weekend, spending it with friends and hanging out. Next week I get to go to Nebraska and see my family and Nebraska friends for Thanksgiving. Yes, I'm very blessed and look forward to many more blessings God will bring me in the next year and beyond....

In the news...

So yesterday while I was at work I was reading the news. Don't really have time to read the news at work, but here I was... I read the story about the Georgia mom who wants to ban Harry Potter from schools. The court told her if they banned all books that had to do with magic, they would have to ban MACBETH and CINDERELLA. Cinderella?! Are we kidding??? I think that it's important that children are reading. I've always been an avid reader. Reading helps your imagination grow. I don't think some parents really understand how important reading is. I don't care if you're reading Harry Potter or just a plain jane magazine, you're READING! YAY!! Everytime there is a "banned book" list that comes out, I am usually exclaiming "Oh, I love that book!!!"

So what's the deal? I'm not a parent, maybe I just don't get it. It's just how I see it.

Whew!

Let me take a moment to take a big sigh of relief.

Thanks. I needed that. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The two big talks I had to have are now over. My parents know I'm moving and I gave my two weeks at work. WOOOHOOO! Let the packing begin!!!

I want to thank all of you for your prayers, encouragement, and words of wisdom (oh wise, KSH). I wrote about worrying awhile back. It seems that I've been worrying more often than not lately. Just stressing about the reactions of others. I know I can't base my decisions on what people say, but I've always been a people pleaser. Scared what people will think or say. I'm not saying this is a good trait of mine.

At any rate, God is working and I'm ready for the ride! :) T-minus two weeks and counting.

Break Away

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreamin' of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But, when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And break away
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But, I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jetplane, far away
And break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And break away
Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I love
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
But, gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye, gotta
Take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But, I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Courage and strength

So... I have a dilema. Well, not so much a dilema. I've had this talk with several people, so I decided to write a blog. So, I basically need to stop being a chicken, and tell my parents that I'm moving in two months. It has been suggested to stop with my car packed and just tell them. Sounds good to me!!

The past two Sundays I have gone to my parent's house with every intent on telling them. It's a 45 minute drive from my house to my parent's. In those 45 minutes I have prayed for hard for God to lead my words and to give me strength. So far, He's not wanting me to say anything. Not sure what He's plan is in that.

As I've discussed with many of you before - it's so hard to tell people that you feel led to do something, when they have never had that feeling. My mom (whose reaction I fear the most) has lived in Nebraska forever; working and raising children. I would love to work and raise children - I just don't see myself doing it in Nebraska. Who's not to say that I won't come back in 10 years... who cares? Just the chance to spread my wings and experience something new!!

I have been looking up verses about courage. Lately, I feel so cowardly and unable to express what I'm thinking with them. Deuteronomy 31:6 says to "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." I know. He's always there. I know this. The question is, where is this strength and courage that I need?? I can't do this without Him. Please pray in the coming weeks (sooner rather than later), that I will be able to have this talk, express that God is leading me, and that I'm taking a leap of faith and trusting that He will provide, no matter where I go.

I love you guys! Have an awesome week, everyone!