Me and My Jealousy

Today I taught my church kids THE hardest lesson I've ever had to teach. In theory it shouldn't have been that hard, but it's something I've been struggling with A LOT lately.

Typically I don't like airing my dirty laundry, but sometimes I think it's important to share struggles. I've been going through some things in my heart lately, including going through some 'coaching' with my pastor's wife. She's trying to help me be more transparent when it comes to needing prayer, asking for help... it's not a sign you're weak. I'm an emotional person, but I don't ask for prayer a lot in public forums (i.e. church or Bible study). However, I digress...


This morning my lesson was about Cain and Abel - how God preferred Cain's sacrifice over Abel's. In a jealous rage, Cain killed Abel, but then asked God to take pity on him so that people wouldn't kill him if they saw him. I took it to being jealous over what other people have (i.e. an xbox that you want REALLY badly). I'm at a time in my life where everyone is engaged, getting married, having babies, multiple babies, etc. I want that, plain and simple.

Psalm 37:4 says, "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." I feel like I take delight in Him, but have yet to receive these desires. There are things that I'm fully aware - like God hasn't given them to me because I'm not ready. God is preparing the way, for me and for whomever I end up with. The way I presented it to the kids was, God wants to make sure you can handle what you're given. HE wants YOU to treat it with respect and handle with care.


Praying without ceasing, casting my cares upon Him...

Marriage

On my way home from my parent's house tonight, I was pondering marriage. Not me getting married, but the idea as a whole. I can't believe how something as sacred as marriage, has turned into this "thing" that people just "do"... like they woke up one morning and just decided they were going to get married.

Having been single, literally forever, I've often pondered how wonderful it would be to stand next to the man God has for me, celebrating the many milestones of life. Three years ago my family celebrated the 50th wedding anniversary of my grandparents. This day was so amazing! My family together, leaving behind all disagreements, all arguments... for these two people, who in a span of 50 years, had 14 children, countless grandchildren, and of course, many trials and tribulations that come with it. I look at them sometimes and wonder what they talk about, but then realize that God has put them here for a reason, together, in this moment.

Then you see the couple who has been married for 20 years, three kids, and the wife has recently been informed that her husband has been having an affair for the last year. Being single, it's hard to trust that God will bring us someone that we're compatible with. It's even harder trusting God that we can actually trust this person; for the rest of our lives.

After all the thinking about marriage and weddings, I got to thinking about my relationship with God. Marriage vows hardly seem worth anything to some people anymore, but sometimes that's how I feel about my relationship with Him. I've made these vows... these wonderful vows, to serve, to praise, to worship Him... but am I doing that? How am I holding to my end of the vows? God is always faithful. He will never break His vows - always there to protect us, to guide us. He never said it would be easy, He said we would never be alone. Which is true, but we need to keep our end of the vows too. Before I can truly long for the one person that God has planned for me, I need to concentrate on keeping my vows to Him and truly have that relationship with Him... not just a "thing" that I decided to "do" one day just because...

Having so much to say...

I was listening to the radio the other day when a song came on that totally described how I had been feeling for the past few weeks. My emotions had been at all-time high and listening to country music was not helping me. The song I'm speaking of is talking about being able to live with certain things, but living with regrets in one's life... the chorus says something about "What hurts the most was being so close; having so much to say and watching you walk away..."

How true is this for my life? I can't help but think of every day occurrences that happen, when I don't speak what I'm thinking, but instead I merely let the moment pass. On the other hand there are so many moments when I have spoken what's on my mind and have ended up regretting it in the end. Words are so amazingly powerful... they can leave someone feeling like they're the greatest person on earth, but they can also leave you feeling like you're two inches tall.

God is slowly teaching me think about my words before speaking - this has never been one of my best traits - even now, 25 years later, I still haven't gotten the message, but He's teaching me to not let the moments pass...